WHY HELP?

If you are not a monster, then you should be willing to help.

I want to be clear, saving the Flutterbird is like saving the planet. We must do everything possible, even if we destroy the planet in our quest for righteousness. We must be one with the Flutterbird. We must be singularly focused in our attempts to combat the existential threat that is imposing and willfully, possibly, belligerently spreading false rumors and false facts about me and my best friend. But I digress.

I think the best way to help save the Flutterbird is that everyone should send me one-half of their net worth. I know best what to do with your money. I will spend very little of it on myself. A nice pair of shoes and a cute top are only the basic requirements to meet the public and spread Flutterbird awareness. A reliable 2022 Jeep Wrangler is a requirement to get to all the locations of possible Flutterbird sightings. Maybe a slightly better apartment with a spare room. I need a place to display all my trophies and accolades from my youth. I remember this one time with my father. We were administering a little retribution on some cute and fuzzy baby ducks. Those little yellow terrorists were trying to invade our personal space. This stupid little kid ran his wagon into my father’s personal stash. But I digress.

Well, anyway, keep those checks and, better yet, cash donations pouring in. We will save this incredible planet one chocolate pie at a time!

Your Friend and Superior Being

Sarah Jean Williams

Sarah Jean Williams